At last our northern brothers and sisters have realised that us southern toads mean buisness less than one week to go, are they getting cold feet?? they certainly will do on sunday that Thames waaater!! is mighty cold!!, but fear not we don't mind if you pull out, we know all that DUFF BEER and Yorkshire pud will weigh you down, the choice is up to you but you might like to know my toads are in tip top condition, and word has it that the Worthing good time girly toads are on the war path, so do your worst, oh by the way it's left at Watford Gap Services and just keep going and going and going!!!

Who said anything about cold feet (or flippers, if you prefer)??? Our trusty toads are raring to go, fit as fiddles (Strads, not your cheap wooden boxes) and dangerously competitive. Giant Hogweed was bawling out his orders even on the great march southwards, and the only fear our northern brothers and sisters might have is of letting him down. I shudder to think what he'll do to them if they don't meet his exacting standards - but those gourmet restaurants might be getting some unexpected delicacies on their menus ...

Well said lass.Us up ere fear nought from the soft Southern hordes.Your wimpish Southern guttersnipes pose no threat to us-we're hardened Northern souls brought up on tripe, black pudding and proper ale,not like that fizzy pop stuff you shove down your necks South of Watford Gap. No wonder Watney's Red Barrel didn't last-it wasn't fit to wash cars in never mind being used as throat gargle.Your predictions of success are about as accurate as a Met Ofice weather forecast. Mrs E will sort you lot out on the day and when we win, the Tower of London will be re-opened as an establishment of Her Majesty in incarcerate all your soft Southern samples. Minus the lead off the roof of course cos Carol has it in her garden shed. See Carol, it must be true cos it was on the BBC news at half six this morning-you've been rumbled. An outlandish plan has been uncovered where you would attempt to nobble our mighty Northern Force by fashioning lead boots and kidnapping our toads. Sabotage eh???We've got you lot sussed out that's for sure!!

That's one great little trophy - looking forward to seeing it travel up north where it truly belongs. Now let's remember that all's fair in love, war and toad races (well - love and war anyway). As we say up here "let t'battle commence" and may the best toad win (so long as it's one of ours). Just one small plea - should Chip 'Oil vanish to the depths of an underwater grave, please do the decent thing and dredge the river for him, and send him back up north so that we can have a proper burial for him in the mud swamps of Batley where he first saw the light of day. At least, he will have tried ... ... ...

Bogey - sorry Boggy!
You will be hearing from my solicitor Mr. Grabcash in the morning with regard to a case of libel and deformation of character! These are a blatant attempts to throw our toads off their concentration and prep for the race. Well my good man (yeah right!) I want you to know that it will NOT work. We stand like 'Enery's Troops before Agincourt - out numbered but not out done. Proud and ready to do battle - and Wendy even though your taunts may give us pause to actually help Chip 'oil on his way down to the bottom! - we pride ourselves on being British and to be seen doing the right thing. Therefore should he need rescuing we will send a Heron along to find him! (Just Kidding)

Hey Carol, is that the Grabcash as in Grabcash,Scarper and Hyde that operate out of 22b High St, Worthing-the office over the Chinese chippy?I read in The Isle of Arran Shoemakers' Monthly that they'd been de-barred due to a fraudulent buy to rent lilypad business.I understand he had his Toad Focus towed away through not having a valid toad tax certificate.Most of my gang have gone South but one,namely Shakey has gone North-to Bradfod in fact. Methinks he has caught sight of and is enamoured of one Wendy's specimens. I got a post card this morning from the National Film & Television Museum saying he'd written two new plays, one about a customs officer's massive drug find in Harogate that he's titled "Julian's Seizure" and another about the bigamous marriage of an aristocratic socialite in Los Angeles entitled " The Two Gentlemen of Veronica".Says he's been up all night scribbling and has eyes like two ********* in a nun's bum .I despair, I really do. Why now, eh?Why now?With three days to go. It's like trying to get Whippersnapperbogweazle Jr out of his pit afore 10am. Impossible. I think I'll have to get Shakey DHL'd Southbound and hope for the best. No doubt his next tome will be a manual on waterproofing garage rooves entitled " Titus Aducksass".Nothing would surprise me with this one anymore.He's definitely not playing out next year. He can re-write The Old Testament for all I care, but I dread to think what he'd come up with-no doubt he'd have the General Synod baying for his flippers. Maybe I could have him fostered or adopted.Or have him kidnapped and dumped in Paris where he could do untold damage to French literatue and language. Maybe a job translating menus perhaps.Oh dear I need a lie down in a darkened room-I fear the worst. I just hope his behaviour isn't infectious or I'm stuffed.

for ******** read cig burns. Must be American software

Well, I trust it's Lady Letitia he's got the hots for, as all my other competitors are male - still, you never know ... But she's definitely after someone considerably more upmarket so he'll be wasting his time with her. Incidentally, the good news is that Giant Hogweed evidently had a quiet word (well no, not exactly QUIET) with Chip 'Oil regarding his sizeable stature and forced him into a very strict diet of grass, insects and whatever else nice healthy toads are supposed to eat - fish and chips have been a definite no-no. He took him into his own home, oversaw every meal personally, and threatened to tear him flipper from flipper if he messed up. Well, I mean, what choice was there for the poor little (???) guy? Either become super-fit or end up on someone's plate in a cheap transport caff! No-one would have even sniffed at him at La Gavroche (if they had, they'd have passed clean out). So, now he's probably fitter than all the other toads in the race, and could easily swim off with the trophy. Whey hey, go for it Chip 'Oil - the boy's done good! You've really thrown a spanner into the evil ploys of those southern toads!

Wendy, I'm not really sure he's right mithered one way or the other in that respect. Just do me a favour eh? If you see him wandering aimlessly round Bradford with a bottle of Old Peculiar just put him on a National Express back down here to Stockport and I'll see if I sort his head out ready for next year's race.
Oh well. nowt else we can all do at this late stage in the juncture so good luck for tomorrow to everybody's toads. And may the best toad win.