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Gary is busy sending out emails to you all at this moment. If anyone fails to receive one within the week, please get in touch with him as we may have your information down incorrectly. I also though want to draw everybodies attention to the new news on the Castle Saburac page. This could be quite a good event for us in the future, so please all take part if you are able too. If I have not made it clear, please get back to us either by email or on here. Time is of the essence with this one.
Thanks one and all
Hey Carol this could be the break the club is looking for put me down for 10 will send on the names and history and of course the loot!!
Thanks Greyweazle - What a star!
That's very generous of you! But then you ALWAYS are.
I have been asked to get one for Debbie and been given name and description. I will probably have 2 or 3 but trying to finalise names and descriptions. Will get them to you by weekend.
Very much appreciated
I have just received two fantastic cheques! One from Graham "Greyweazle" Card for £60 and a massive £100 from Pete "Bogweazle" Humphreys to adopt a total of 27 toads for the race. Wonderful generosity - a huge thankyou.
But whether it is a cheque for £100 or £6 - they ALL count and thankyou thankyou to all of you are going to join in the fun. Don't forget, we haven't got much time to get this done so please, if you are going to take part don't delay in getting your adoptions in. Cheers also to Sue, Debbie, Julie and Pertie and Hazel for their adoptions too, it is MUCH appreciated.
I've just had word from my toads and thought it fair to keep you up to date, as we want a good clean race no cheating!!Undertouch, Touchwoods long lost cousin has just fallen into a billabong and is drifting hopes he won't get stuck in the mud, Lord Collingford, well he seems more interested in the size of his marrows, Greyweazle he's said he hopes the just for men won't make him to vain on the day,The sign of the ram spends more time in the pub and says the race is his anyway, Black wheels well he has lost his vioce but on the day he will take a water proof pen and paper should he need saving by the lifeguards, The woggle stone well he says his feet are firmly on the ground and on the day he has devised a cunning plan, I would watch this one everyone he seems a bit sneeky, Groomes cottage well he seems to think he will win as all he's been doing is riding his bike up and down the lane yeah!! okay on yer bike!! Mr Pickles sorry everyone we hope he will recover from thr swine flu before the race! Castle Saburac he has been consulting the spirits of the braison vessel, not sure they told him he needs 100 broomsticks, and finaly Hexwood well he is either lazy or frightened of getting wet all he does is lay around in that nice warm barn all day, anyway things can change I am trying to get them all to enrole in the gym and take swimming lessons, I got more chance of going to the pub tonight, Oh nearly forgot some of my toads have got wind that a person who calls himself Bogweazle is recruiting an army of toads, were not scared bring on your worst!!
So Greyweazle, news of my mighty Northern force has reached the South Coast.Sir Henry and Prescott hath succeeded in bypassing passport control at Watford Gap services and passed the news successfully.Even now Swampfoot, Gideon and Mistletoe , as we speak, are mustering the troops along with Shakey,Bogwort,Treehugger,Stumpy and Old Atrocious. They fear none of your spineless band of malcontents. Although Gideon is still trying to figure out why someone's named a bible after him especially when he's a devout pagan and can't get into hotels anyway due to a gammy leg. But don't let that minor detail make you think we're not up to the battle ahead.Or that Stumpy who lost an arm to Oyster catchers in the Mersey and can only swim round in circles. But he's very fast doing it though.Their cunning,guile and the ability to play chess,knit long beige "things" and a mastery of SoDuku will reap havoc when their hackles are raised. So bring on your worst Greyweazle-we up here in the darklands of the North fear none-not when our Whippets are fully charged and the clogs are striking sparks on the cobbles. Prepare to meet thy doom-let battle commence. God that man Lowry has a lot to answer for!
Regards Boggy and Boggy Jr.
Big words for such a small army Boggy and Boggy JR, us southerners are well battle hard, which reminds me now we are friends with the French I must call upon old Louis as back-up, not that we are quaking in our boots, well to tell the truch Lord Collingford is I've had to sit him down in a darken room and have a long chat he hates going to battle, I told him to hollow out one of his finest marrows and use it as a shield.Word has been sent to all the ports and border controls if Sir Henry and Prescott think they can sneak up the thames then we shall stop them at the thames barrier. I am still wondering about Mr Pickles his swine flu is getting better but I think he will swing the led on the day and ring in sick, he and the Black Wheels are a good pair, as for Groomes Cottage he is my finest, he is well up for anything you can throw at him, preferablly something edible he said, so let battle commence please don't make to much noise as one or two of my toads are a little shy!!
Well Greyweazle and Boggy and Boggy Jr. If you think all that male prancing and posturing is going to scare us girls, you have another think coming! Dame Celia Mud Dabbler and the toadesses, are not beginners in the art of the odd skirmish or two! Queen Toadacia was her ancestor and fighting,swimming or crawing to win is in her blood! She is British through and through and will make mincemeat of any mercianaries that are bought in as she's very patriotic (Gawd bless 'er) Twilight is also in the national reserves and can wield a pole as well as dance around one on a Saturday night - so think on chaps.
The race is afoot
Not in the slightest worried!! a gathering of small dainty rather insignificant lady toads, I can just see them now, OH THE WATER'S COLD, OH I DON'T WANT TO GET WET, they will probablly hitch a ride on one of the ducks, however there is one thing I am concerned about, it's Groomes Cottage he realy is one for the lady toads watch out if he's about!!
You'll regret those patronising remarks. Big Bertha has just read it so you've had it now! She's joined the fray to sort you lot out! She's about as dainty as Frankenstein!
I see. so not only do we have Lord Greyweazle's French mercinaries to contend wirh , we have Carol's Polish contingent. Underhand dirty tricks are at play here methinks.A Southern conspiracy is at play surely and will not be dismissed as folly. My mighty force will don our flat caps and see you soft southerners on the field of battle.Do your worst whilst Shakey re-writes one of Shakepear's finest works-he's just putting the final touches to "The merry wives of Widnes"Carol your girlie band of lip stick smothered slappers worry us not up here.We can do the News of the World crossword without pictures.Nor do Greyyweazle's band of Johhny Foreigner mercinaries. Just coz they invented garlic in responce to us beating them at Agincourt carries no court with me.
MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! Calling all toads Calling all toads your fan club needs you!! send in your finest we need back-up on this one, we can't let our northern souls frighten us into submission, they need to be taught a lesson or three on how to speak to lady toads, I hear Dame Celia Mud Dabbler is on the war path so beware these lady toads are a force to be reckoned with.So come on the countdown has begun don't get left out of the fun and may the best toad win.
Ha Ha-so I was right. The good Lord Greyweazle has joined forces wirh Dame Celia Mudslapper.My worst fears confirmed. He hath girlies fighting his cause. What tosh. And there was me expecting a fair battle. Now I am expected to cope with handbags at dawn,hot flushes and other twiddly bits that us blokes don't possess.Sneaky or what??Well, my troops will not detract from the battle ahead. Throw your worst at us-we can knit. We are invincible. Treehugger even squeezes his own bees out for his mea. Beat that.
what? the GREAT Queen Toadacia?The one who has great difficulty in parking her chariot in a seventten foot gap between two juggernaughts? Come on Carol-pull the other one .Bit of an embarrasment isn't she?
I think you will find the Romans, though very clever, didn't get to drive juggernauts.
With critical miscalculations like that, you are doomed young master Bogweazle and the even younger whipper snapperweazle, together with your toadies.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned - On to Glory Girls!
Greeings from the Darkside,fair maid.
Methinks my lady doth protest too much.Thou hast fallen for my ploy of lulling you into a false sense of security.So I have Greyweazle's motley shower and your own band of meagre offerings ranged against me. Are there any members out there prepared to raise toad numbers and help rid me of these turbulent toads?
That's right Boggy x2 now these girly toads have got you all in a fluster! so I've had time to re-group and prepare my army, not quite sure what they are preparing for but according to Undertouch he's gone and lost his air ticket so he's hoping to sneak in the baggage hold, if you ask me he's a non starter stupid boy, anyway all my other toads are doing fine there now up to three press ups a day and half a length of a bath, so on the day they are hoping for a strong current and a tail wind and probably some kind soul to help them along.
Amen to that brother Boggy, come one, come all you brothers and sisters in magic! It matters not if we exceed the goodly total of 100 - tis wondrous if we reach a higher number. Remember they breed like - well - toads, so more will be summoned to the fray!
Tis truly a world wide affair come good citizens of Germany, Australia, Switzerland The Netherlands et al.
Aye tis truly a global thing. The more toads raised the more money goes into club funds allowing the club to put on more events for the members-especially at Hexwood.Hexwood costs time and money to stage.It's done as professionally as possible with the club's membership at the forefront of minds and it doesn't happen without the active involvement of its members.The club needs more involvment from even more member that at present but it has less to do with money than commitment and ideas.
Now it's time to let Greyweazles motley band of bathbubbled wimpy hordes wallow in their pampered hovels. And allow Carol's lip glossed slappers to do their nails and have their hair extensions done.Me? I'm off to Croatia soon to seek recruits form that far off land. They are true warriors. I won't need many to fend off the fiendish advances of the Southern lacklustre mob.
I'll settle this argument once and for all - just wait 'til my big Yorkshire Lads smash their way in - they'll eat any of your lot up for breakfast. Aye, by gum, they will an' all! Giant Hogweed, just for the record, recently killed a local postman who cast a disrespectful glance in his direction. Didn't you read the national press reports?? If he decides to pick a fight with his mates (as he often does) the whole event could be thrown into turmoil. He doesn't take kindly to strangers (toads or otherwise) so I do hope the Armed Forces will be on hand in the interests of national safety. Still, they are my loyal friends, so get stuck in lads and come out fighting!
I fearest not young Wendy bring on your yorkshire loats they are probably from the same funny farm as Bogweazle motly crew even if you joined forces us southern rascals will see you off, your toads have more chance in getting a part in Emmerdale (only a soppy part of course)stick to what you do best brass bands and of course your very fine Yorkshire tea and watch as we win, mind you got some work to do with my toads most of them have been sunbathing today they realy are very lazy!!
Oh My God. If this is true, that there is an army from the White Rose County entering the fray then we should all be VERY afraid.For if true,they are a mighty force that will strike terror into the vary marrow of our bones.On the other side of the Pennines, my own toads tell tales passed down from generation to generation of past battles fought and lost-the battle against the Merseyside toads in the war for the Treacle Mines at Knotty Ash, for instance is the stuff of legend.They are a force to be reckoned with, of that there is no doubt. Is the rumour true that they are fully trained in the art of pole dancing?I tried that once and all I got for my troubles was splinters in my thighs and a strong letter of rebuke from British Telecom saying they had complaints from irate customers about interupted telephone calls. Are they force fed black pudding and tripe from an early age to build up their muscles as rumour has it?And that black pudding hurling is compulsory in infancy?They don't take prisoners-I know that for a fact. I'm very, very worried.
And so you should be worried just as soon as I can get my toads off thier fat bottys I will be force feeding them steak and ale pies and perhaps the odd glass of fine wine as you can gather we are slightly posher down this neck of the woods, we all know it's grimm "UP NORTH". As for all those wives tales passed on down through the generations it is all nonsence everyone knows it was our toads which had to help you build Haydrians Wall just to keep our Scottish toads at bay, My toads are more worried about those Worthing devel toads they all lie like a broken watch, well they could be right twice a day I suppose, Groomes Cottage cannot wait to meet Big Berther he's rather parcial to a cuddle just hope he behaves himself on the day and don't get arrested so do your worst you Northeners were not scared we can always retreat into the sea!!
My dear Greyweazle,were Wendy and I to join forces we would easily drive your soft Southern forces across the Chanel into the arms of your French caniballistic cousins,From there we would ask our Dutch, German and Swiss compatriots to complete the pincer movement and you will be doomed.You have been warned.
So, it's open warfare, is it? Well, I reckon all Yorkies and Lankies should forget the War of the Roses and unite as one mighty army, easily capable of routing your soppy southern toads. Oops, did I say TOADS? More like dainty little tadpoles down there! Word has got around quickly up here, and our trusty toads are as we speak flooding down from our beautiful Yorkie Dales breathing fire and brimstone, to defend our honour to the last. (It ain't all muck 'n' brass up here, tha knaws). We've some fearsome fighters girding their loins in readiness (do toads actually have loins?), not to mention a large contingent of city toads from the coalmines (what's left of them), the clog factories, the liquorice fields in Pontefract (a rare breed of black toad) and many other key points. Big, bolshie toads spoiling for a real fight (and that's just the women). Yes, our wondrous specimens of northern toadhood are on the move marshalling their forces, and their tactical ploys are second to none (i.e. they're great at fighting dirty). That should have you quaking in your pretty little fashion boots - ooh, you should see our big iron-studded ones! Let t'battle commence!
All your North/South fighting will be in vain once the Australian contender arrives on these shores.
With nothing in the rules to say anything about which species can take part, then Debbie is sending over GT - her entry. GT is a cane toad.
Information below on cane toads via Wikipedia is as follows : -
The cane toad (Bufo marinus), also known as the Giant Neotropical Toad or Marine Toad, is a large, terrestrial true toad native to Central and South America. It is a member of the subgenus Chaunus of the genus Bufo, which includes many different true toad species found throughout Central and South America. The cane toad is a prolific breeder; females lay single-clump spawns with thousands of eggs. Its reproductive success is partly because of opportunistic feeding: it has a diet, unusual among Anurans, of both dead and living matter. Adults average 10–15 cm (4–6 in) in length; the largest recorded specimen weighed 2.65 kilograms (5.8 lb) with a length of 38 cm (15 in) from snout to vent.
The cane toad has poison glands, and the tadpoles are highly toxic to most animals if ingested. Because of its voracious appetite, the cane toad has been introduced to many regions of the Pacific and the Caribbean islands as a method of agricultural pest control. The species derives its common name from its use against the greyback cane beetle. The cane toad is now considered a pest and an invasive species in many of its introduced regions; of particular concern is that its toxic skin kills many animals—native predators and otherwise—when ingested
In other words, it will kick all backsides.
Hah! Are we bovvered? One concerted venomous blast from our northern forces will put your poor little cane toad flat on his back with his legs in the air - and kill all the eggs as well!!
We are used to those blighters from down under, some excaped on to our shores to try to desimate our glorious countryside - the varlets!! But being clever cocknies we've trained the crows to upend them and render them useless. cane toads - more like coma toads see you in battle. As for the North contingent - northern born and northern bred - strong in the arm and weak in th'head. Those clogs are gonna weigh you down tha'nose! Rumour has it that there is another troop amassing in the Blackburn area - obviously the Lancashire contingent it getting worried and bringing in re-inforcements.
Beware my fine adversarys my mighty shower of battle hardened toats all saw action on the shores of Dunkirk, we quake not of the threat of a Cane Toad (what is one of them when it's at home anyway) or the clogg mincers from the north, surrender now while there is still time, or march on to your certain doome!
Should these toats ( whatever one of those is when it's at home) be taking part if they are veterans from Dunkirk?
Fighting a battle 69 years ago, they must be ancient toats now.
Ah, so now we've descended into slander, have we? (or is it libel?) You can go off people, tha knaws!!!An' just remember - one kick from one of them there big, studded northern clogs could 'ave yer standin' up fer t'next six weeks. You lot dahn sahf will rue the day when you tangled with our combined White Rose and Red Rose armies - rumour has it that we also have the support of the Northumbrian and Scottish toads - maybe we can somehow bribe the dreaded Daffodil Toads from Wales and our Irish friends from across the "watter" - what's it worth, chaps (and chappesses?) How about some good northern grub and ale? We feed our toads well up here, that's why they're so big, strong and dangerous. Mayhap it's time for the southerners to do the sensible thing and bow out disgracefully!
Just as soon as my toats I mean toads win this race I will enrole then for spelling lessons,but for now they are undergoing lots of training for the big day, they maybe old but they can still swim, at least under water, not sure if that's going to be much help!
My toads are from Welsh Wales, not southerners.
Land of my forefathers. Where the men are men and the sheep are scared.
So the Oassies are coming are they? Ha!An overyped Wikipedia entry doth arouse no fear in these Northern quarters. Wendy and I readily accept that once the Antipodean over-engineered specimens arrive in the Northern Hemisphere they will, in fact ,be swimming upside down thus exposing their soft,over engineered underbellies to the might ofour conbined armies of mighty and worthy toads. What with Wendy's arsenal of brute force and my own army's knitting abilities we will within a very short time,literally, have them tied up in knots. In very fetching interminal beige "things". Wikipedia indeed-what a commendation. Afterall, does it not also say that the English have a mighty Cricket team? So much for accuracy!
Whippersnapperbogweazlr.Jr and I are off to the Southlands today attending the festival at Cropredy. With us will also go four of my finest-Sir Henry, Stipple, Wink, and Gusset, thereupon to cast them into the River Cherwell underneith Cropredy Bridge where they will, in the coming two weeks wreak havoc on their way ,southbound to London. Their cunning and guile will be more than a match for anything your soft Southern specimens can throw at them. That and their shiny pointy clogs and armed with copious supplies of tripe and black puddings.
We shall return on Sunday to see what further insults
are thrown at the cross Pennine brigade.
So my Welsh and Northern Souls word has finaly reached the cavalry, word has it that Great Granny Toad is downing pints of strong ale, probablly to gain dutch courage, she is the oldest swinger in town, some say she has the devil in her, I know that since she has come on the sceene my army of toads have got off thier fat backsides and started taking this race seriously, Lord Collingford is trying to grow sweat peas what a wolly!! talking of wollys Autie Albert wants to take part, well I have heard it all he/she still carries a gas mask around not realy much use in the water, but we will see, they may join forces with those old slappers from worthing, lets hope there are some lilly pads to hide under,see you all on the ice!! not cold is it??
Well, well, well....I've read all your stories above about your wee mamby pamby toads....well, brace yourselves,the Scottish contingent has been packaged up and sent to Carol...Annie Phibian is aboot to woop yer backsides closely followed by Donald the Flying Toadsman. Both have been raised on a diet of Fresh Haggis and Irn Bru so I perfectly understand if you wish to withdraw all yer wee toads to avoid a mass slaughter and you won't want a repeat of the Battle of Culloden, will you ? This is your last and only warning, save yer toads !
Jeff and Cathy x
Ah! Ha! tis a couple of suicide toads from over the wall, don't laugh everyone but as soon as thier sporrans fill up with water they will be sunk, these are no match for our finest well dicaplined fighting force, our southern brothers and sisters are well up for a battle, after all we have been turning up at battles from all sides for many years, so we are used to swimming very fast, even if it's to get away from the enemy, just a suggestion you may like to refrain from feeding Donald the flying toad and Phibian porridge and force feed them burnt toast it is a southern speciality!! Yum ! Yum !
Well, back into the fray then. Sir Henry, Stipple,Wink and Gusset are despatched into the Cherwell en route to London for the great battle ahead. After a weekend sitting on lily pads devouring a feast of flies whilst chilling out listening to some fine music they know the task ahead. They hold no fear of the Scottish hordes nor the Worthing Worthless. Neither porridge laden Sporrans nor lipsticken laden lacklustre layabouts from the South strike any fear into their breasts. For they are proper Northern fighting toads. Steadfast in their resilience and cunning. Do your worst!
My toads may be worthless bogweazle and they may not have hairy sporrans young master McJeff - but by God they are the finest English Toads you could ever wish to find. Worthless in terms of wealth - but the richest of the rich in fighting spirit and toughness. They fear no-one d'ya hear - no one! You'll be a quaking and a shaking when the dawn doth rise on the field (or river) of battle and see the Cockney Crushers standing tall and proud at the waters edge. On, on you noblest of English toads - and by the way don't forget your rubber rings and spare underpants just in case boys and girls!
Oh dear Carol,I fear for your health in the heat of battle.I've noticed a lot of your postings are done in the wee hours of the morning as against the rest of us who enjoy Horlicks and an early night. Now,far be it for me to suggest you have a second job as a night restorer of church rooves but I think you're getting rattled and under immense pressure from the thought of the marrauding Northern hordes over-running your wimpish Southern wusses.
Aye, it's easy to feel confident after a wee toady....I mean toddy.
I also wanted to ask local members if there is a French restaurant nearby as Donald and Annie will have a number of frogs legs for sale following the race !
Jeff and Cathy McWeazle
Tis not a french resturant that Donald and Annie will need it will probably need the local RNLI(toad division)after all our toads bask in pleasant sunshine and enjoy long warm wet winters unlike these two haggis bashers from the Jock lands of the north, only today I have had word from my no 1 toad Lord Collingford he is up for the challenge, after all he should be as he spends most of his time in a warm greenhouse only swimming round in circles in a water butt, he thinks he is ready, just hope on the day he can swim straight and not round in circles, so come on you Jocks and you Northeners get your arm bands on ( no speedo's please) and prepare for your certain doom!!
The very idea of spending my nights on church steeples doing something I shouldn't is typical of a Northern ner-do-well. 'Tis only Catweazle allowed to fly to this lofty position!!
I may be London born - but I do have good breeding you know!
As for you young McJeff - No weapons allowed! (pea shooters are the exception) Although in your case if you want to wear a claymore under yer kilt thats fine - it'll go rusty and weigh you down!! I am toting up the strengths of the regions as we speak. But as with dear old Henry V demostrated at Agincourt its not the size that counts its what you do with it that matters!! (and I AM referring to the amount of warriors in his army by the way!)
PS. I have some really nice lead that happened to fall in front of me the other day - anyone interested???
Turn this lead into gold and you shall be set free, But I have tried and tried again O-master!! NOTHING WORKS!
Now let's just stop and look objectively - nay, logically - at this situation: do not Touchwood's (the reigning monarch of all toads worldwide) dulcet tones have a wonderful northern ring to them? And what about Catweazle himself - is he not truly a wondrous NORTHERN wizard? As his loyal subjects and grovelling "toadies", we should all remember that memorable fact and admit a foregone conclusion - the northern toads, on account of their royal connection, deserve great respect from their southern counterparts. Her Royal Highness may live in the south, but this is all about King Touchwood, who most definitely rules from the northern kingdom. And we're gonna win anyway, so there.
Ah yes, - tis true enough fair Wendy from the darklands - BUT he dids't visit us and grant us parlance with him by emerging from his northern hovel and into the wondrous Southern Regions. Obviously had the good sense to know exactly where the goodly folk live - just ask Carrot!
Don't worry Wendy-we have right and might on our side. Just cos Carol is on a high cos the squares have all been taken up doesn't mean she won't regret the outcome a couple of weeks hence in London when our mighty Northern forces trounce the soft Southern specimens. ThaT said, we really should feel sorry for her, afterall, the weight of all that lead she keeps nicking off the church rooves must weigh heavily on her shoulders.
I must say I'm SHOCKED and SADDENED by this blatant admission of lead-nicking: no sense of guilt at all. What an example to set those southern toads - mind you, they're so weak-witted and easily led (ho, ho, ho - LED - get it???) that it would be foolish to expect them to behave honourably like the good northern toads. I think the ITP (International Toad Police) should be on hand on 6th September to apprehend all toads south of the Watford Gap, take them into custody and disqualify them from the race. A period of internment in an underground cell should give them something to croak about!
Typical northern justice - guilty until proven innocent! Was there any mention of stealing - No! Was there any mention of lead coming from a church roof - No! That was just Bogweazle with his assumptions again. The very idea of us decent law - abiding, God fearing toads stealing AND from a church - shame on you!
Well I am afraid you have stirred up the bile now with this slur on our morality and good toadyness - you may be feeding your toads tripe and onions and black pudding, but this affrontary has meant we have had to resort to our ultimate device - It's full steam ahead with the buy one get one free tins of baked beans. We are now fully turbo charged and you will be left floundering at the start, left in the jet stream and turbulance of our blast off technique.
Tis not long now - enjoy your posturing while you can!!
Ee bygum m`i Towad`s e`v geet flooweting Clog`s on`t each web, tha esen`t getten then down`t Seath.
One mon said as tha might evv to move thowd Capital back Noerth if a Towad wins thad comes from up Nooerth, thi recon York could evv title O`t Capital but wee`d evv sumet t`a shout abeat I`d i` LANCASHIRE but that`s fer another day.
When tha think abaet i`d Owd York and Lancaster boeth e`v Rivers tha could chuck Towad`s and Ducks in boeth Rivers.
He He Warr o`t Towad`s an`t Seath`s is abeate t`a Quake.
What abaet evving a sweep on`t race £1 a pop an`t winner is 100 quid beter off than moest of us.
Can we have that in English now please!!
Does tha not understand English lass? All makes perfect sense to me. When't capitol moves up North, we'll soon have thee talking proper, eh Gary?
Well sed, Boggy! Ah've 'ad a goa at 'er missen, but it's a reight old job, intit? Shi still speyks wi that suthern "woine" - still, nivver mahnd, ah'll keyp tryin'! An' doan't forgit, us Yoksher tooads get fed on Yoksher pudden an' all, nivver mahnd tha baked beeans! (Blimey, we'd better warn our northern toads to avoid the slipstream - them beans could be LETHAL). Still, us northerners is med aht o' tuff stuff.
PS Carol - If tha's gorrabitoled left ower, keyp it for us an' Ah'll gerrit picked up and sent up 'ere - Ah'm 'avin me gutters fettled soon! (They can't touch you for it!)
and there's naht like avvin yer gutters fettled of a weekend.
Well my merry band of toad owners wherever ye may hail from - the games afoot - or rather the race is afoot! All toads from North South East and West and in between are now on their way towards Shropshire to be introduced to the hordes of ducks and they will then be brought down to Ol Lunnon Town ready for the big day Sunday September 6th.
I have given the race co-ordinators strict instructions not to put up with any malarky from the Northern contingent if they start bullying any of the others. The Australian competitors have had their Tinnies taken away after Grog through one at Wartface "Just to improve his looks" he said. Tarquin got the hump because he had his moisteriser confiscated before he was allowed in the box. This was because the other toads thought it would help him go through the water quicker once applied liberally all over! The only other problem so far is that Auntie Albert isn't sure whether to go with the boys to the Tipsy Toad Bar, or spend any evening with the girls watching James Pond in the "The fly who came in from the mould"
The prize money is £100 and may the best toad win! I will be putting a photo of the trophy etc on the website next week as we approach the event.
Thanks very much once again to each and everyone of you who have taken part and joined in the great fun that this has generated. It is our first race and hopefully we will be doing another next year when we hope to have a lot more participation and toads! [Frog
Well, we've had most encouraging reports about the great northern toads - they've trained to the peak of consummate fitness (except for Chip 'Oil - he's still at the peak of consummate fatness, so I don't hold out much hope for him - even with the baked beans to speed him along the way). Much of the training was done in the wondrous spa town of Harrogate (very posh, don't ya know) - they then had a well-earned and relaxing break: "taking the watters", relaxing in the medicinal mud baths and putting their flippers up on the water-lily pads in the Valley Gardens. Good honest toil and good northern grub. So anyone who tries to pick a fight with them is just looking for trouble - watch out Grog, you big bully - Wartface can turn very nasty and could fell you with one swipe of a gnarled flipper if he so wished. Up and at 'em lads - do your absolute WORST!
And just to put you soppy lot dahn sahf right - a chip 'oil has nowt to do with oil. An 'oil is an 'ole so a Chip 'Oil is a fish and chip shop (get it? Aw, gimme strength ...)
Greetings fellow weazlers. I have within the hour just returned to this fair land after a week scouring foriegn clmes for next year's race and believe me there are many an Adriatic toad chomping at the bit. Upon my return though I have received messages from some of my more techno-toads that some of those I released into the Cherwell a fortnight ago
have stated that some of the soft Southern toads would not go amiss at a transvestites' Abba revival party. Us Northern crew must be wary of our army being nobbled by the Southerners this coming week. They have the reputation for being sneaky and, coupled with the ancient and dubious magic charm of number changing-and of course the ancient alchemist's ability of changing church roof lead into Argos vouchers at a whim, we really must be on guard.I must buy some Argos shares, they appear to be doing very well.Hmmmmm.
At last our northern brothers and sisters have realised that us southern toads mean buisness less than one week to go, are they getting cold feet?? they certainly will do on sunday that Thames waaater!! is mighty cold!!, but fear not we don't mind if you pull out, we know all that DUFF BEER and Yorkshire pud will weigh you down, the choice is up to you but you might like to know my toads are in tip top condition, and word has it that the Worthing good time girly toads are on the war path, so do your worst, oh by the way it's left at Watford Gap Services and just keep going and going and going!!!
Who said anything about cold feet (or flippers, if you prefer)??? Our trusty toads are raring to go, fit as fiddles (Strads, not your cheap wooden boxes) and dangerously competitive. Giant Hogweed was bawling out his orders even on the great march southwards, and the only fear our northern brothers and sisters might have is of letting him down. I shudder to think what he'll do to them if they don't meet his exacting standards - but those gourmet restaurants might be getting some unexpected delicacies on their menus ...
Well said lass.Us up ere fear nought from the soft Southern hordes.Your wimpish Southern guttersnipes pose no threat to us-we're hardened Northern souls brought up on tripe, black pudding and proper ale,not like that fizzy pop stuff you shove down your necks South of Watford Gap. No wonder Watney's Red Barrel didn't last-it wasn't fit to wash cars in never mind being used as throat gargle.Your predictions of success are about as accurate as a Met Ofice weather forecast. Mrs E will sort you lot out on the day and when we win, the Tower of London will be re-opened as an establishment of Her Majesty in incarcerate all your soft Southern samples. Minus the lead off the roof of course cos Carol has it in her garden shed. See Carol, it must be true cos it was on the BBC news at half six this morning-you've been rumbled. An outlandish plan has been uncovered where you would attempt to nobble our mighty Northern Force by fashioning lead boots and kidnapping our toads. Sabotage eh???We've got you lot sussed out that's for sure!!
That's one great little trophy - looking forward to seeing it travel up north where it truly belongs. Now let's remember that all's fair in love, war and toad races (well - love and war anyway). As we say up here "let t'battle commence" and may the best toad win (so long as it's one of ours). Just one small plea - should Chip 'Oil vanish to the depths of an underwater grave, please do the decent thing and dredge the river for him, and send him back up north so that we can have a proper burial for him in the mud swamps of Batley where he first saw the light of day. At least, he will have tried ... ... ...
Bogey - sorry Boggy!
You will be hearing from my solicitor Mr. Grabcash in the morning with regard to a case of libel and deformation of character! These are a blatant attempts to throw our toads off their concentration and prep for the race. Well my good man (yeah right!) I want you to know that it will NOT work. We stand like 'Enery's Troops before Agincourt - out numbered but not out done. Proud and ready to do battle - and Wendy even though your taunts may give us pause to actually help Chip 'oil on his way down to the bottom! - we pride ourselves on being British and to be seen doing the right thing. Therefore should he need rescuing we will send a Heron along to find him! (Just Kidding)
Hey Carol, is that the Grabcash as in Grabcash,Scarper and Hyde that operate out of 22b High St, Worthing-the office over the Chinese chippy?I read in The Isle of Arran Shoemakers' Monthly that they'd been de-barred due to a fraudulent buy to rent lilypad business.I understand he had his Toad Focus towed away through not having a valid toad tax certificate.Most of my gang have gone South but one,namely Shakey has gone North-to Bradfod in fact. Methinks he has caught sight of and is enamoured of one Wendy's specimens. I got a post card this morning from the National Film & Television Museum saying he'd written two new plays, one about a customs officer's massive drug find in Harogate that he's titled "Julian's Seizure" and another about the bigamous marriage of an aristocratic socialite in Los Angeles entitled " The Two Gentlemen of Veronica".Says he's been up all night scribbling and has eyes like two ********* in a nun's bum .I despair, I really do. Why now, eh?Why now?With three days to go. It's like trying to get Whippersnapperbogweazle Jr out of his pit afore 10am. Impossible. I think I'll have to get Shakey DHL'd Southbound and hope for the best. No doubt his next tome will be a manual on waterproofing garage rooves entitled " Titus Aducksass".Nothing would surprise me with this one anymore.He's definitely not playing out next year. He can re-write The Old Testament for all I care, but I dread to think what he'd come up with-no doubt he'd have the General Synod baying for his flippers. Maybe I could have him fostered or adopted.Or have him kidnapped and dumped in Paris where he could do untold damage to French literatue and language. Maybe a job translating menus perhaps.Oh dear I need a lie down in a darkened room-I fear the worst. I just hope his behaviour isn't infectious or I'm stuffed.
for ******** read cig burns. Must be American software
Well, I trust it's Lady Letitia he's got the hots for, as all my other competitors are male - still, you never know ... But she's definitely after someone considerably more upmarket so he'll be wasting his time with her. Incidentally, the good news is that Giant Hogweed evidently had a quiet word (well no, not exactly QUIET) with Chip 'Oil regarding his sizeable stature and forced him into a very strict diet of grass, insects and whatever else nice healthy toads are supposed to eat - fish and chips have been a definite no-no. He took him into his own home, oversaw every meal personally, and threatened to tear him flipper from flipper if he messed up. Well, I mean, what choice was there for the poor little (???) guy? Either become super-fit or end up on someone's plate in a cheap transport caff! No-one would have even sniffed at him at La Gavroche (if they had, they'd have passed clean out). So, now he's probably fitter than all the other toads in the race, and could easily swim off with the trophy. Whey hey, go for it Chip 'Oil - the boy's done good! You've really thrown a spanner into the evil ploys of those southern toads!
Wendy, I'm not really sure he's right mithered one way or the other in that respect. Just do me a favour eh? If you see him wandering aimlessly round Bradford with a bottle of Old Peculiar just put him on a National Express back down here to Stockport and I'll see if I sort his head out ready for next year's race.
Oh well. nowt else we can all do at this late stage in the juncture so good luck for tomorrow to everybody's toads. And may the best toad win.