The Official Catweazle Fan Club

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The Place where fellow Catweazle Fans can get together and discuss anything and everything that is Catweazle or The Catweazle Fan Club and MOST of all make New Friends that have yourself and Catweazle in common, as most of the members know The Catweazle Fan Club was born out of Friendship.

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Re: TOAD RACE

Ah! Ha! tis a couple of suicide toads from over the wall, don't laugh everyone but as soon as thier sporrans fill up with water they will be sunk, these are no match for our finest well dicaplined fighting force, our southern brothers and sisters are well up for a battle, after all we have been turning up at battles from all sides for many years, so we are used to swimming very fast, even if it's to get away from the enemy, just a suggestion you may like to refrain from feeding Donald the flying toad and Phibian porridge and force feed them burnt toast it is a southern speciality!! Yum ! Yum !

Re: TOAD RACE

Well, back into the fray then. Sir Henry, Stipple,Wink and Gusset are despatched into the Cherwell en route to London for the great battle ahead. After a weekend sitting on lily pads devouring a feast of flies whilst chilling out listening to some fine music they know the task ahead. They hold no fear of the Scottish hordes nor the Worthing Worthless. Neither porridge laden Sporrans nor lipsticken laden lacklustre layabouts from the South strike any fear into their breasts. For they are proper Northern fighting toads. Steadfast in their resilience and cunning. Do your worst!

Re: TOAD RACE

My toads may be worthless bogweazle and they may not have hairy sporrans young master McJeff - but by God they are the finest English Toads you could ever wish to find. Worthless in terms of wealth - but the richest of the rich in fighting spirit and toughness. They fear no-one d'ya hear - no one! You'll be a quaking and a shaking when the dawn doth rise on the field (or river) of battle and see the Cockney Crushers standing tall and proud at the waters edge. On, on you noblest of English toads - and by the way don't forget your rubber rings and spare underpants just in case boys and girls!

Re: TOAD RACE

Oh dear Carol,I fear for your health in the heat of battle.I've noticed a lot of your postings are done in the wee hours of the morning as against the rest of us who enjoy Horlicks and an early night. Now,far be it for me to suggest you have a second job as a night restorer of church rooves but I think you're getting rattled and under immense pressure from the thought of the marrauding Northern hordes over-running your wimpish Southern wusses.

Re: TOAD RACE

Aye, it's easy to feel confident after a wee toady....I mean toddy.

I also wanted to ask local members if there is a French restaurant nearby as Donald and Annie will have a number of frogs legs for sale following the race !

Jeff and Cathy McWeazle

Re: TOAD RACE

Tis not a french resturant that Donald and Annie will need it will probably need the local RNLI(toad division)after all our toads bask in pleasant sunshine and enjoy long warm wet winters unlike these two haggis bashers from the Jock lands of the north, only today I have had word from my no 1 toad Lord Collingford he is up for the challenge, after all he should be as he spends most of his time in a warm greenhouse only swimming round in circles in a water butt, he thinks he is ready, just hope on the day he can swim straight and not round in circles, so come on you Jocks and you Northeners get your arm bands on ( no speedo's please) and prepare for your certain doom!!

Re: TOAD RACE

The very idea of spending my nights on church steeples doing something I shouldn't is typical of a Northern ner-do-well. 'Tis only Catweazle allowed to fly to this lofty position!!
I may be London born - but I do have good breeding you know!
As for you young McJeff - No weapons allowed! (pea shooters are the exception) Although in your case if you want to wear a claymore under yer kilt thats fine - it'll go rusty and weigh you down!! I am toting up the strengths of the regions as we speak. But as with dear old Henry V demostrated at Agincourt its not the size that counts its what you do with it that matters!! (and I AM referring to the amount of warriors in his army by the way!)

Re: TOAD RACE

PS. I have some really nice lead that happened to fall in front of me the other day - anyone interested???

Re: TOAD RACE

Turn this lead into gold and you shall be set free, But I have tried and tried again O-master!! NOTHING WORKS!

Re: TOAD RACE

Now let's just stop and look objectively - nay, logically - at this situation: do not Touchwood's (the reigning monarch of all toads worldwide) dulcet tones have a wonderful northern ring to them? And what about Catweazle himself - is he not truly a wondrous NORTHERN wizard? As his loyal subjects and grovelling "toadies", we should all remember that memorable fact and admit a foregone conclusion - the northern toads, on account of their royal connection, deserve great respect from their southern counterparts. Her Royal Highness may live in the south, but this is all about King Touchwood, who most definitely rules from the northern kingdom. And we're gonna win anyway, so there.

Re: TOAD RACE

Ah yes, - tis true enough fair Wendy from the darklands - BUT he dids't visit us and grant us parlance with him by emerging from his northern hovel and into the wondrous Southern Regions. Obviously had the good sense to know exactly where the goodly folk live - just ask Carrot!

Re: TOAD RACE

Don't worry Wendy-we have right and might on our side. Just cos Carol is on a high cos the squares have all been taken up doesn't mean she won't regret the outcome a couple of weeks hence in London when our mighty Northern forces trounce the soft Southern specimens. ThaT said, we really should feel sorry for her, afterall, the weight of all that lead she keeps nicking off the church rooves must weigh heavily on her shoulders.

Re: TOAD RACE

I must say I'm SHOCKED and SADDENED by this blatant admission of lead-nicking: no sense of guilt at all. What an example to set those southern toads - mind you, they're so weak-witted and easily led (ho, ho, ho - LED - get it???) that it would be foolish to expect them to behave honourably like the good northern toads. I think the ITP (International Toad Police) should be on hand on 6th September to apprehend all toads south of the Watford Gap, take them into custody and disqualify them from the race. A period of internment in an underground cell should give them something to croak about!

Re: TOAD RACE

Typical northern justice - guilty until proven innocent! Was there any mention of stealing - No! Was there any mention of lead coming from a church roof - No! That was just Bogweazle with his assumptions again. The very idea of us decent law - abiding, God fearing toads stealing AND from a church - shame on you!
Well I am afraid you have stirred up the bile now with this slur on our morality and good toadyness - you may be feeding your toads tripe and onions and black pudding, but this affrontary has meant we have had to resort to our ultimate device - It's full steam ahead with the buy one get one free tins of baked beans. We are now fully turbo charged and you will be left floundering at the start, left in the jet stream and turbulance of our blast off technique.
Tis not long now - enjoy your posturing while you can!!

Re: TOAD RACE

Ee bygum m`i Towad`s e`v geet flooweting Clog`s on`t each web, tha esen`t getten then down`t Seath.
One mon said as tha might evv to move thowd Capital back Noerth if a Towad wins thad comes from up Nooerth, thi recon York could evv title O`t Capital but wee`d evv sumet t`a shout abeat I`d i` LANCASHIRE but that`s fer another day.
When tha think abaet i`d Owd York and Lancaster boeth e`v Rivers tha could chuck Towad`s and Ducks in boeth Rivers.
He He Warr o`t Towad`s an`t Seath`s is abeate t`a Quake.
What abaet evving a sweep on`t race £1 a pop an`t winner is 100 quid beter off than moest of us.

Re: TOAD RACE

Can we have that in English now please!!

Re: TOAD RACE

Does tha not understand English lass? All makes perfect sense to me. When't capitol moves up North, we'll soon have thee talking proper, eh Gary?

Re: TOAD RACE

Well sed, Boggy! Ah've 'ad a goa at 'er missen, but it's a reight old job, intit? Shi still speyks wi that suthern "woine" - still, nivver mahnd, ah'll keyp tryin'! An' doan't forgit, us Yoksher tooads get fed on Yoksher pudden an' all, nivver mahnd tha baked beeans! (Blimey, we'd better warn our northern toads to avoid the slipstream - them beans could be LETHAL). Still, us northerners is med aht o' tuff stuff.
PS Carol - If tha's gorrabitoled left ower, keyp it for us an' Ah'll gerrit picked up and sent up 'ere - Ah'm 'avin me gutters fettled soon! (They can't touch you for it!)

Re: TOAD RACE

and there's naht like avvin yer gutters fettled of a weekend.

Re: TOAD RACE

Well my merry band of toad owners wherever ye may hail from - the games afoot - or rather the race is afoot! All toads from North South East and West and in between are now on their way towards Shropshire to be introduced to the hordes of ducks and they will then be brought down to Ol Lunnon Town ready for the big day Sunday September 6th.
I have given the race co-ordinators strict instructions not to put up with any malarky from the Northern contingent if they start bullying any of the others. The Australian competitors have had their Tinnies taken away after Grog through one at Wartface "Just to improve his looks" he said. Tarquin got the hump because he had his moisteriser confiscated before he was allowed in the box. This was because the other toads thought it would help him go through the water quicker once applied liberally all over! The only other problem so far is that Auntie Albert isn't sure whether to go with the boys to the Tipsy Toad Bar, or spend any evening with the girls watching James Pond in the "The fly who came in from the mould"
The prize money is £100 and may the best toad win! I will be putting a photo of the trophy etc on the website next week as we approach the event.
Thanks very much once again to each and everyone of you who have taken part and joined in the great fun that this has generated. It is our first race and hopefully we will be doing another next year when we hope to have a lot more participation and toads! [Frog

Re: TOAD RACE

Well, we've had most encouraging reports about the great northern toads - they've trained to the peak of consummate fitness (except for Chip 'Oil - he's still at the peak of consummate fatness, so I don't hold out much hope for him - even with the baked beans to speed him along the way). Much of the training was done in the wondrous spa town of Harrogate (very posh, don't ya know) - they then had a well-earned and relaxing break: "taking the watters", relaxing in the medicinal mud baths and putting their flippers up on the water-lily pads in the Valley Gardens. Good honest toil and good northern grub. So anyone who tries to pick a fight with them is just looking for trouble - watch out Grog, you big bully - Wartface can turn very nasty and could fell you with one swipe of a gnarled flipper if he so wished. Up and at 'em lads - do your absolute WORST!

And just to put you soppy lot dahn sahf right - a chip 'oil has nowt to do with oil. An 'oil is an 'ole so a Chip 'Oil is a fish and chip shop (get it? Aw, gimme strength ...)

Re: TOAD RACE

Greetings fellow weazlers. I have within the hour just returned to this fair land after a week scouring foriegn clmes for next year's race and believe me there are many an Adriatic toad chomping at the bit. Upon my return though I have received messages from some of my more techno-toads that some of those I released into the Cherwell a fortnight ago
have stated that some of the soft Southern toads would not go amiss at a transvestites' Abba revival party. Us Northern crew must be wary of our army being nobbled by the Southerners this coming week. They have the reputation for being sneaky and, coupled with the ancient and dubious magic charm of number changing-and of course the ancient alchemist's ability of changing church roof lead into Argos vouchers at a whim, we really must be on guard.I must buy some Argos shares, they appear to be doing very well.Hmmmmm.

Re: TOAD RACE

At last our northern brothers and sisters have realised that us southern toads mean buisness less than one week to go, are they getting cold feet?? they certainly will do on sunday that Thames waaater!! is mighty cold!!, but fear not we don't mind if you pull out, we know all that DUFF BEER and Yorkshire pud will weigh you down, the choice is up to you but you might like to know my toads are in tip top condition, and word has it that the Worthing good time girly toads are on the war path, so do your worst, oh by the way it's left at Watford Gap Services and just keep going and going and going!!!

Re: TOAD RACE

Who said anything about cold feet (or flippers, if you prefer)??? Our trusty toads are raring to go, fit as fiddles (Strads, not your cheap wooden boxes) and dangerously competitive. Giant Hogweed was bawling out his orders even on the great march southwards, and the only fear our northern brothers and sisters might have is of letting him down. I shudder to think what he'll do to them if they don't meet his exacting standards - but those gourmet restaurants might be getting some unexpected delicacies on their menus ...

Re: TOAD RACE

Well said lass.Us up ere fear nought from the soft Southern hordes.Your wimpish Southern guttersnipes pose no threat to us-we're hardened Northern souls brought up on tripe, black pudding and proper ale,not like that fizzy pop stuff you shove down your necks South of Watford Gap. No wonder Watney's Red Barrel didn't last-it wasn't fit to wash cars in never mind being used as throat gargle.Your predictions of success are about as accurate as a Met Ofice weather forecast. Mrs E will sort you lot out on the day and when we win, the Tower of London will be re-opened as an establishment of Her Majesty in incarcerate all your soft Southern samples. Minus the lead off the roof of course cos Carol has it in her garden shed. See Carol, it must be true cos it was on the BBC news at half six this morning-you've been rumbled. An outlandish plan has been uncovered where you would attempt to nobble our mighty Northern Force by fashioning lead boots and kidnapping our toads. Sabotage eh???We've got you lot sussed out that's for sure!!

Re: TOAD RACE

That's one great little trophy - looking forward to seeing it travel up north where it truly belongs. Now let's remember that all's fair in love, war and toad races (well - love and war anyway). As we say up here "let t'battle commence" and may the best toad win (so long as it's one of ours). Just one small plea - should Chip 'Oil vanish to the depths of an underwater grave, please do the decent thing and dredge the river for him, and send him back up north so that we can have a proper burial for him in the mud swamps of Batley where he first saw the light of day. At least, he will have tried ... ... ...

Re: TOAD RACE

Bogey - sorry Boggy!
You will be hearing from my solicitor Mr. Grabcash in the morning with regard to a case of libel and deformation of character! These are a blatant attempts to throw our toads off their concentration and prep for the race. Well my good man (yeah right!) I want you to know that it will NOT work. We stand like 'Enery's Troops before Agincourt - out numbered but not out done. Proud and ready to do battle - and Wendy even though your taunts may give us pause to actually help Chip 'oil on his way down to the bottom! - we pride ourselves on being British and to be seen doing the right thing. Therefore should he need rescuing we will send a Heron along to find him! (Just Kidding)

Re: TOAD RACE

Hey Carol, is that the Grabcash as in Grabcash,Scarper and Hyde that operate out of 22b High St, Worthing-the office over the Chinese chippy?I read in The Isle of Arran Shoemakers' Monthly that they'd been de-barred due to a fraudulent buy to rent lilypad business.I understand he had his Toad Focus towed away through not having a valid toad tax certificate.Most of my gang have gone South but one,namely Shakey has gone North-to Bradfod in fact. Methinks he has caught sight of and is enamoured of one Wendy's specimens. I got a post card this morning from the National Film & Television Museum saying he'd written two new plays, one about a customs officer's massive drug find in Harogate that he's titled "Julian's Seizure" and another about the bigamous marriage of an aristocratic socialite in Los Angeles entitled " The Two Gentlemen of Veronica".Says he's been up all night scribbling and has eyes like two ********* in a nun's bum .I despair, I really do. Why now, eh?Why now?With three days to go. It's like trying to get Whippersnapperbogweazle Jr out of his pit afore 10am. Impossible. I think I'll have to get Shakey DHL'd Southbound and hope for the best. No doubt his next tome will be a manual on waterproofing garage rooves entitled " Titus Aducksass".Nothing would surprise me with this one anymore.He's definitely not playing out next year. He can re-write The Old Testament for all I care, but I dread to think what he'd come up with-no doubt he'd have the General Synod baying for his flippers. Maybe I could have him fostered or adopted.Or have him kidnapped and dumped in Paris where he could do untold damage to French literatue and language. Maybe a job translating menus perhaps.Oh dear I need a lie down in a darkened room-I fear the worst. I just hope his behaviour isn't infectious or I'm stuffed.

Re: TOAD RACE

for ******** read cig burns. Must be American software

Re: TOAD RACE

Well, I trust it's Lady Letitia he's got the hots for, as all my other competitors are male - still, you never know ... But she's definitely after someone considerably more upmarket so he'll be wasting his time with her. Incidentally, the good news is that Giant Hogweed evidently had a quiet word (well no, not exactly QUIET) with Chip 'Oil regarding his sizeable stature and forced him into a very strict diet of grass, insects and whatever else nice healthy toads are supposed to eat - fish and chips have been a definite no-no. He took him into his own home, oversaw every meal personally, and threatened to tear him flipper from flipper if he messed up. Well, I mean, what choice was there for the poor little (???) guy? Either become super-fit or end up on someone's plate in a cheap transport caff! No-one would have even sniffed at him at La Gavroche (if they had, they'd have passed clean out). So, now he's probably fitter than all the other toads in the race, and could easily swim off with the trophy. Whey hey, go for it Chip 'Oil - the boy's done good! You've really thrown a spanner into the evil ploys of those southern toads!

Re: TOAD RACE

Wendy, I'm not really sure he's right mithered one way or the other in that respect. Just do me a favour eh? If you see him wandering aimlessly round Bradford with a bottle of Old Peculiar just put him on a National Express back down here to Stockport and I'll see if I sort his head out ready for next year's race.
Oh well. nowt else we can all do at this late stage in the juncture so good luck for tomorrow to everybody's toads. And may the best toad win.